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Death, Nutters, Religion
2009-08-05 :: Kevin Murphy

George Sodini, the whackjob who shot 12 women at a gym yesterday, had been blogging about his plans for months.

His site’s down, but there’s a mirror here.

He basically went nuts through a prolonged case of drydick, by the looks of things. But his last entry interested me:

“Maybe soon, I will see God and Jesus. At least that is what I was told. Eternal life does NOT depend on works. If it did, we will all be in hell. Christ paid for EVERY sin, so how can I or you be judged BY GOD for a sin when the penalty was ALREADY paid. People judge but that does not matter. I was reading the Bible and The Integrity of God beginning yesterday, because soon I will see them.”

That wonderful Christian doctrine of vicarious redemption. Gotta love it.

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2009-05-21 :: Kevin Murphy

Noble thoughts from newly installed chief god botherer Vincent Nichols.

“Let us be a society in which we genuinely listen to each other, in which sincere disagreement is not made out to be insult or harassment, in which reasoned principles are not construed as prejudice.”

As much as I’d like to think he’s giving me carte blanche to call the Catholic Church a bunch of evil, ignorant, hypocritical bastards, I think it’s far more likely he’s trying to pre-emptively defend the next bunch of homophobic bullshit that comes out of his mouth, or the mouths of one of the closet nonces who work for him.

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2009-03-18 :: Kevin Murphy

The Pope went to Africa to tell people to not wear condoms.

Nice one, fucksack. You just killed a bunch of people.

Later, he’ll be off to China to tell them that smoking cures cancer and that sticking knitting needles in your eyes prevents blindness.


» » » » »

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Daily Mail, Religion
2009-02-03 :: Kevin Murphy

Richard Littlejohn is an inadvertently funny fucker.

Applying his vast intellect to the Daily Mail-manufactured controversy about the crackpot nurse hopefully getting canned for spreading her lunatic ideas at work, Littlejohn raves, in the Mail:

The power of prayer has long been acknowledged as part of the healing process. That’s why hospitals have chaplains and there are Bibles in bedside cabinets.

All over the world, nuns double as nurses. So what is so heinous about Mrs Petrie praying for her patients?

The truth is that Christianity forms no part of the ‘diversity’ agenda.

Let’s deconstruct this gibberish.

“The power of prayer has long been acknowledged as part of the healing process.”

The American Heart Journal’s most recent double-blind study into prayer showed that slightly more complications after surgery occurred in patients who received prayer than those who did not (52% versus 51%). When patients were told they were receiving prayer, the number experiencing complications rose to 59%.

So, science suggests that if prayer does indeed work, God hates us.

“All over the world, nuns double as nurses.”

Yeah, and it often doesn’t work out. Look at all the suffering Mother Teresa caused around the world.

“That’s why hospitals have chaplains and there are Bibles in bedside cabinets… The truth is that Christianity forms no part of the ‘diversity’ agenda.”

No part whatsoever, clearly. Other than the Bibles and chaplains, presumably, Dick?

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Political Correctness Gone Mad, Religion
2009-02-02 :: Kevin Murphy

Not Caroline Petrie Caroline Petrie is a nurse who has been suspended for offering to pray for her patients, according to the Daily Mail.


Assuming the Mail’s version of events is accurate, she should be fired.

Any other healthcare professional who actually believes that prayer works, and brings that belief into a taxpayer-funded workplace, should face discipline and should be sent back to training college for a mandatory refresher course in How Shit Works.

But Petrie’s particular circumstances mean she should certainly be fired.

But not just for being an idiot. Look at the facts:

  • a) The nurses’ code of conduct she agreed to abide by states that she “must not use your professional status to promote causes that are not related to health”. Since prayer is empirically not related to health, she is in clear violation of this rule.
  • b) She “admits she received a previous warning about promoting her faith at work”.
  • c) And despite this warning, she still tries “to ask every patient if they would like her to pray for them”.

So she’s violated her professional code of conduct, has received a disciplinary warning for violating the professional code of conduct, and yet admittedly and unashamedly continues to violate the professional code of conduct.

It’s a no-brainer. Fire her gullible code-violating arse.

If I were sick, in hospital, and a nurse or doctor offered to pray for me, I’d want their head on a fucking stake.

Christian, Jew, Muslim, Hindu, Confucianist… if I’m paying your salary (and I did pay UK tax, for almost a full year, in the late 1990s) you can keep your idiot beliefs at home, thanks.

Of course, the Mail is making out this to be another example of Political Correctness Gone Mad. The unstated assumption is that This Wouldn’t Happen To The Muslims.

“Christians are now becoming the most discriminated-against group of people in our society,” a ‘source’ who sounds like he’s probably the PR guy for the Christian Legal Centre, told the Mail.

“They cited previous instances including that of Heathrow check-in worker Nadia Eweida, who in 2006 was banned from wearing a cross around her neck at work,” the Mail hilariously reports.

Oh, well, that seals it.

Forget about all the brown who were racially insulted today. Forget about all the gay people who were beaten up over the weekend. Forget about all the people with foreign-sounding names denied job interviews.

Some trolley dolly was unreasonably treated over a piece of jewellery two fucking years ago… obviously Christians are the most discriminated against group in the country. How could you come to any other conclusion?

The problem with the Mail is that it preys on impressionable people: barmy middle-aged women, like my mum.

Or Melanie Phillips, the Mail columnist who writes today: “This is the way a society dies.”

Not a little OTT, you think, Mel?

She also writes: “this is not actually about upholding professionalism in nursing. It is all about foisting upon nursing the sinister and politically correct ‘diversity’ agenda – which means in effect treating Christianity as inherently offensive”.

Even if she has a point, and she may have a point, what’s wrong with this?

Christianity is inherently offensive.

All religions are inherently offensive. The fact that they still exist makes me embarrassed to be a human.

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Politics, Religion, Sex
2008-11-09 :: Kevin Murphy

by Flickr.com user sfslim Like, I suppose, most if not all of you, I have difficulty trying to simulate the mindset of somebody who voted for California’s Prop 8.

If I were gay, I imagine I would have quite a strong opinion on gay marriage. I imagine that I would have voted against the proposition thinking something along the lines of: “Well, it’s not for me. But, y’know, solidarity, sisters.”

As it happens I’m straight. Other than a general fondness for equality, I technically couldn’t give a rat’s ass. I am disinterested, if not uninterested.

So I’d have to ask my gay friend for advice.

“Hey, Gay John,” I’d say. “Do you think gay marriage should be legal?”

“Yes,” Gay John would definitely have said.

“So, I should vote against Prop 8?” I would have asked him.

“Yes,” Gay John would definitely have said.

“Thanks,” I would have said. “You big arse bandit.”

Gay John likes it when I talk dirty to him.

I have difficulty trying to figure out why someone who isn’t gay would vote for Prop 8, amending the state constitution to outlaw gay “marriage”.

The only two reasons I can think of, which are about a billion miles away from mutually exclusive, are: 1) religion, and 2) homophobia.

Gay people: you need to get revenge against these idiots. And I have the perfect solution.

Ban Mormon sodomy.

The Mormons took away your marriage rights. Next time there’s the opportunity to get a proposition on the ballot, take away their right to do the missus up the wrong ‘un.

Prop 8.1: “Anal sex between a Mormon and a Mormon is invalid and unrecognized in California.”

And watch as the fuckers scramble for donations to defeat it.

While the Mormons know precisely what their view of homosexual acts is – gay Mormons have to abide by a vow of chastity – they’re curiously silent on the issue of some hot hetero appendix-tickling.

You know why, right?

They’re all at it every night.

Every senior Mormon is coughing his yoghurt up the wives’ potty slots whenever he gets the chance.

I’m sure that after every primary debate even Mitt Romney couldn’t wait to get out of those magic underpants and give the old ball-and-chain a drive up Cadbury alley. Come on, look at her, Mrs Romney is definitely backwards compatible.

So, come on gays, why should the Mormons get a backstage pass? Start the petition now. You only need to find a million or so Californians with a sense of humour.

You could have it on the ballot by 2016, 2020 at the latest.

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Comedy, Religion
2008-10-09 :: Kevin Murphy

Chris Morris, the comedy genius behind Blue Jam, The Day Today, Brass Eye and Nathan Barley, is having a hard time funding the production of a film about British Islamic terrorism.

The Beeb and Channel 4 have reportedly knocked him back already, so now he’s asking for small donations from fans to get the project off the ground.

Some donors will get to be extras in the film.

Here are some emails he or his proxies have recently sent to me and others:

Thanks for your email offering support for the “Four Lions” project.

The response so far has been extremely encouraging and our next move depends on numbers. We won’t ask for your money until we have enough people involved to make the system work.

So whether you want to be in the film or just fancy a binge of coin chucking, please spray the news around.

And if passing this on seems like a bit of a hassle? Well think about it. Yesterday, over a hundred thousand people – alive and breathing and not passing it on just like you are thinking of not passing it on – died. It’s unlikely they were all wiped out precisely because they weren’t passing it on but its not impossible is it? Not totally statistically unimaginably impossible. Run that by yourself a couple of times before you decide not to pass it on.




Dear Lion

At the moment the detonator’s going off and you’re part of it but until the effect has gone exponential, your mails are being sorted by one person so bear with me.

Many people have asked us exactly what the Four Lions project is. Clearly we can’t launch the film before its been shot, but I’ve pulled together a few paragraphs from the paperwork that’s been flying around. Its shameless hype but its accurate – unlike almost everything you will have read in the press. No one who has read the script could disagree with a word here.

In three years of research, Chris Morris has spoken to terrorism experts, imams, police, secret services and hundreds of Muslims. Even those who have trained and fought jihad report the frequency of farce. At training camps young jihadis argue about honey, cry for their mums, shoot each other’s feet off, chase snakes and get thrown out for smoking. A minute into his martyrdom video, a would-be bomber looks puzzled and says “what was the question again?” On millennium eve, five jihadis set out to ram a US warship. They slipped their boat into the water and carefully stacked it with explosives. It sank.

Terrorist cells have the same group dynamics as stag parties and five a side football teams. There is conflict, friendship, misunderstanding and rivalry. Terrorism is about ideology, but it’s also about berks.

Four Lions is a funny, thrilling fictional story that illuminates modern British jihad with an insight beyond anything else in our culture. It plunges us beyond seeing these young men as unfathomably alien. It undermines the folly of just wishing them away or alienating the entire culture from which they emerge. It understands how terrorism relates to testosterone. It understands jihadis as human beings. And it understands human beings as innately ridiculous. As Spinal Tap understood heavy metal and Dr Strangelove the Cold War, Four Lions understands modern British jihadis.

As for your offer, we’re hoping to set up a one click pay scheme soon. We’ll let you know.

Hope that helps

Deirdre Steed.

PS Please pass this on to ten more people.

I’ll probably chuck them a few quid, when the time comes.

Their email address is fundingmentalism@warpfilms.com

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Georgetown, Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, Religion, Sex, Sexist
2008-10-05 :: Kevin Murphy

I don’t know a helluva lot of the specifics of Islam, truth be told. More than the average British joe, I expect, but not enough to get into an argument I know for certain I can win.

I was about thirty-odd pages into the Koran shortly before I came to Asia, but I didn’t fancy carrying it through Heathrow security with me, so I left it back home largely unread.

I know from other reading that, among other things, there are angels involved, that women can legitimately be treated like chattel, and that it’s technically okay to fuck nine-year-old girls, as long as you’re married to them.

That was all I really needed to know in order to discount it as a workable hypothesis.

So it’s been interesting hanging out in an officially Muslim society for the last couple of weeks.

At first I was a little nervous. How crazy-ass Muslim would Malaysia be?

Lonely Planet offers advice on how not to inadvertently give offence in countries you visit. For Thailand, for instance, it recommends not touching people on the head or pointing at them with the soles of your feet. Buddhist nonsense.

But, since I deliberately did no homework on Malaysia before arriving, I had no idea what the equivalent local religious taboos would be.

After seeing headscarves everywhere during my first few hours in the country, I was particularly nervous about attitudes to women.

Lonely Planet could say in big red block capitals “It is an offence punishable by death to make eye contact with unrelated, unchaperoned female Muslims!” and I would be none the wiser.

I was pretty certain Malaysia was not going to be as bad as the quite horrendous medieval bigotry you hear about in places such as Saudi Arabia, but I wasn’t sure how much less bad.


My first night in Georgetown, arriving late, I went into a 7-11 to buy some water.

There was a young Muslim woman working the counter, well after midnight, alone. I decided to buy a can of lager as well, just to see what would happen, and she sold me it without pause.

I gave her a friendly smile, told her I had just arrived, and asked her the Malaysian words for “thank you”, which I actually already knew, and she told me they are “terima kasih” and smiled back.

I pretended not to get it a couple of times, pronouncing it incorrectly, and she gladly and cheerfully coached me for a minute or so, before I left.


That was like… a normal conversation. I had bought alcohol from and indulged in some mild flirting with a solo female Muslim and nobody needed to get beaten with canes as a result.

Fox News totally lied to me about these people.


Near the 7-11, on the main drag for cheap tourist hotels and shitty, overpriced hostels, Chulia Street, there’s a massage place.

I have no reason to suspect that it’s anything less than completely legit.

But there’s a sign outside that reads, in Bahasa Malaysia and English: “Male Muslims are forbidden from receiving massages from female masseuses. Violators will be prosecuted.”


For getting a massage. A regular massage. A massage with an ambivalent ending.


I haven’t had a massage in Asia, but now that I know that it’s taboo – illegal, for some, even – I have a sudden urge to get one.


It was quite chucklesome, the long weekend after Ramadan ended, to watch hordes of vacationing Malaysian girls descend on the beach at Batu Ferrenghi to go banana-boating and paragliding and jet-skiing whilst wearing their traditional garb.

As somebody who has spent next to no time around Muslims, and had formed a vague subconscious impression of them as a generally dour bunch, it was refreshing to see them having a laugh despite the oppression of their folicular rights.

My understanding of the various forms of female head coverings in Muslim cultures is that they’re primarily there for modesty’s sake. To make the woman look less sexually attractive in public. Or, more specifically, to stop random passers-by getting uncontrollable boners and quite justifiably raping them on the spot.

Hair can do that to men, sometimes.

Apart from the obvious, I have two problems with this.

First, these women are all east Asian. I know what their hair looks like. It’s long and black and straight. There’s nothing surprising under that scarf.

Second, plenty of young Muslim women, at least in large towns and cities I’ve visited so far, otherwise wear standard western-style fashions. Shirts and tight blue jeans.

I’m guessing that the head covering, among these young Malaysian Muslims, is likely more of a tradition, rather than something consciously dictated by specifically religious conservatism.

Anyway, I stopped noticing the scarves after a while.

Way too busy staring at their arses.

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Georgetown, Malaysia, Religion
2008-09-29 :: Kevin Murphy

Each night, at 7.14, when the Strait of Merlaka swallows the sun, somebody with a big amp and shitty speakers broadcasts a scratchy tape loop of Tarzan passing a kidney stone, so loudly that I feel like blowing something up, and the people of Georgetown come out to feed.

Yeah, Malaysia definitely must be Muslim.

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Cambodia, God's Cock, Religion, Sex, Siem Reap
2008-07-16 :: Kevin Murphy

It’s been a while since I dwelt upon the intersection of ancient religion and cocks, but a visit to Angkor Wat a couple weeks back gave me cause to revisit the topic.

If you’re British, and enjoy a good knob gag, you can see phallic imagery, ripe for puns and innuendo, in just about anything.

Show us a picture of anything and we’ll be able to make a cock joke out of it.

Anything, I tell you!

Show me a vagina, and I’ll show you something phallic in it.


But the ancient Hindus were so brazen, their legacy doesn’t even give me a chance to get my creative juices flowing.

(Geddit? He might mean semen!)

The temples of Angkor Wat, for example…

(Wanker what? What did he say?)

…turns out was a Hindu site, originally, before the Buddhists penetrated its defences.


So a couple of the temples there have Shiva Linga – which is literally God’s cock, you may remember from my previous sarcastic textual abuses of eastern tradition – as their centrepieces.

(Hah! He said “cock”! And he said “piece”. And “abuse”, which could mean “self-abuse”! And “textual” sounds a bit like “sexual”, so that would be “sexual abuse”, which is hilarious!)

And one of the more impressive reliefs…

(Relief! Like in masturbatory relief!)

…in Angkor Wat proper…

(Wanker! I thought he said “wanker”! In Pig Latin, it would definitely be “wanker”!)

is the depiction of the Churning Of The Sea Of Milk.


The Churning Of The Sea Of Milk relief runs along a long corridor. It depicts a couple hundred guys holding onto a massive snake, which is attached to a mountain that sits within a sea of milk.

(Too… Much… Input…)

Tradition has it that as the demons pull on their collective snake, the mountain turns, churning the sea of milk into the delicious life-giving cream of creation.

(Too… Much… Input… Must… Reboot… Must… Reboot…)

And Thus was the Universe Created.

Great big daisy-chain.

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