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Oh, Lucy, Lucy, Lucy

Filed under Comedy, Nudity

Lucy Porter Has Really Wonderful Breasts If you watch the local news the night before a major protest march in San Francisco, you can almost guarantee to hear something along the lines of:

“Lesbians For The Metric System have vowed to march naked in protest of…”

“Asian Chicks Against The Fur Trade have said they will hold a naked demonstration…”

“The Marin Knitting Circle will protest naked on Market Street…”

I can’t count the number of times I’ve heard those words coming out of the mouth of a lying, stinking, lazy TV hack.

It’s all bullshit.

Protest groups press release their female nudity a couple of days in advance of any major protest, in order to draw a bigger crowd.

Any drooling blokes who turn up to get an eyeful will be sorely disappointed. They will, however, be added to the headcount when the march is later reported in the papers.

I know this because I showed up for every… damn… one… of those things. Didn’t see so much as a single pube.

I was reminded of those wasted afternoons today because I was toying with the idea of buying a ticket to see Lucy Porter at my local arts centre next week.

Then I read this advertorial piffle in the listings page of my local free rag:

FUNNY girl Lucy Porter’s latest show “The Bare Necessities” comes to Darlington next week.

In her seventh solo show, Lucy brings a stripped-down performance of nakedly funny stand-up comedy…

In a show that provides a unique evening of entertainment featuring everything from nudity and xylophone playing…

Emphases mine, though the article couldn’t have been any more obvious if it had bolded all the bits I did.

One could be forgiven reading this for thinking that Lucy’s going to, at the very least, get out her rather incredible breasts. For the lads.

She’s not, of course. If there’s one thing I’ve learned about stand-up comedy is that comedians rarely undress on stage.

But, damn, if there’s even a 1% chance of Lucy Porter’s spectacular naked breasts and my own eyes sharing the same room… surely that’s worth £12?

Damn, now I’ve fallen for her publicity machine! Her PR people have taken control of my testes and are using them to manipulate my wallet!

Surely I should want to see her act because she’s funny.

Is she funny? I recall she’s been not bad on Mock The Week, but MTW is a very laddish, hypercompetitive affair, and she never really gets a chance to shine.

Let’s see what her fans have to say about her show, over on her web site’s guest book.

Subject: Quick bit of info [ REPLY ]
Posted by: Robert Bopkins on 16:16 23/Apr/09

I once came on Lucy’s tits.


Let’s try another.

Subject: Are women funny? [ REPLY ]
Posted by: Steve-Oh on 22:04 11/Apr/09

Dear Lucy, I was at the Lowry, Manchester, last month and picked up a flyer for your show – the one where you’re lying over a bear skin naked – with the intention of booking seats for my mate and I – We’re both sad middle-aged men. Anyway I’ve seen some of your stuff on YouTube and, I’m sorry to say, I’m not impressed…

Good luck with the career and if you ever fancy a night out in Manchester with a sad middle-aged bloke then give me a call! PS: I’ve kept the flyer of you lying naked on a bear skin.

Hmm… What about…

Subject: Butt. [ REPLY ]
Posted by: Guy Incognito on 07:37 26/Mar/09

Saw you at Hemel – yoou were excellent! Possibly you need smaller jeans as you were displaying half an inch of builder’s butt. Not a bad thing tbh! Hope Bouncy Nora is well.

In fact, reading the first few pages of her guest book, fuck me if 90% of the comments aren’t people making reference to how cute or sexy she is, women critiquing her look, or tragic blokes making overt sexual overtures.

I suddenly feel very sorry for Lucy Porter.

Maybe I’ll buy a ticket, just to show some feminist solidarity.

Yeah. Solidarity. Nothing to do with her tits.

Where’s my credit card…

2009-05-01  ::  Kevin Murphy


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