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He name Chris

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In the letting agency, just finished paying my rent to the testy Chinese lady.

ME: Before I go, can I ask a small favour?

HER: What kind of favour?

ME: It’s quite an unusual request.

HER: What?

ME: Could you tell me the name of one of my flatmates?

HER: Why you not know your flatmate name?

ME: Long story. His name should be on the next page of that folder you’ve got in front of you. He moved in five weeks ago. I just need his name.

HER: You knock on his door. “Hello, I Kevin.” Shake hand. He tell you name. Why you not know he name?

ME: We did that on the day he moved in. Shook hands, swapped names, bit of chit-chat. But by the end of the conversation I realised his name had gone in one ear and out the other. I’m pretty certain he can’t remember my name either. The word “Kevin” has never passed his lips in my presence.

HER: Why you not ask again?

ME: I thought it would be funny to psych him out. Make him blink first.

HER: Why?

ME: Shits and giggles. I thought I could get an anecdote or two out of it.

HER: Can’t tell you. Confidential.

ME: Confidential? Come off it, I live with the guy. It’s been over a month and now it’s just embarrassing. Today I had to have a detailed conversation about him with another flatmate – whose name I do know – without referring to him by name once. It was painful.

HER: What she call him?

ME: Hmm. Good point. Now you mention it, she didn’t use his name either.

HER: You sure he real?

ME: Turn the page in that folder in front of you and you can tell me.

HER: Confidential. You have to ask yourself.

ME: Come on… please?

HER: Why you no want to ask him yourself?

ME: Maybe it’s a British thing.

HER: What you mean by that?

ME: Oh, um, nothing… I mean, I didn’t mean to say that you… I didn’t mean…

HER: He name Chris.

ME: You didn’t even look!

HER: No need to look. He name Chris.

ME: Really?

HER: Yeah.

ME: You’re sure?

HER: He name Chris.

ME: You’re not winding me up?

HER: He name Chris.

ME: Okay.

HER: See you next month.

ME: Right.

2010-10-09  ::  Kevin Murphy


  1. prononlinek
    28 January 2011 @ 1:11 pm


  2. hellosadsacs
    20 March 2011 @ 10:55 pm

    Racist cunt. I look forward to your next “witty” blog about the Pakistani landlady or the Jamaican landlady with the “comedy” accent. No chance of that happening is there double standards boy?

    Cowardly, racist asswipe. Fuck off and read your Guardian you ageing, waste of space.

  3. Ronald
    31 May 2012 @ 11:29 am

    This is sligtly easier than emailing you, just wanted to say “you’re a cunt”.

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